Difficult days

Been having a hard couple of days to be honest, I'm due to start on Friday and I have honestly never looked forward to my period as much as I am right now I never thought I would say that!

We went out on Friday night to a Burlesque night and honestly the only way I could get through it without feeling like a fat ugly lump was by drinking quite a bit! We had a good night but I had that constant niggling voice at the back of my head telling me I looked a state.

Anyway the next day of course I woke up feeling like my head had an Irishman doing a jig in it, felt pretty rotten and seemed to spend the whole day snapping at everyone and feeling completely overwhelmed by noises and people around me, still managed to get around town and have lunch out with my family but felt completely incapable of going to the motorbike shop to order my new scooter.

Sunday we had food shopping to do again I was snappy and vile I had this constant rage bubbling underneath and found myself snapping about stupid things that normally don't matter to me normally. My son had his friend over to play luckily they went up to his room and kept each other amused for the afternoon so I was able to nap on the sofa while my partner kept an ear out for them. I woke after a 2 hour nap still feeling exhausted and was unable to concentrate on my knitting and crocheting that evening and instead of making the lovely healthy roast I was planning to make we ended up ordering Pizza Hut not good!

Monday saw me up early to do the school run which I snapped and moaned my way through it felt like my dear son was doing everything he possibly could to drive me barmy! After dropping him off I went straight to the supermarket brought a shed load of completely unhealthy things to eat for breakfast same home stuffed myself silly and then fell asleep on the sofa for 4 hours.

Again I woke feeling like I hadn't slept in months but with a lot of persuasion from my partner I got dressed and went with him to pick my son up from school and even managed to hold a conversation with his teacher without too much trouble, we then went to the bike shop I should have been so excited, this scooter is a way for me to become more independent and to give me more time during the week as well as being able to get to and from my nights shifts easily but all I could feel was dread, worrying my credit would be turned down or some other trivial thing would stop it going through, all completely irrational fears which actually didn't happen. The scooter will be ready next Tuesday, and I'm doing my CBT on Saturday but still I felt miserable.

I had work that night and went off to my shift but felt completely at sea, exhausted, and unable to concentrate, luckily though it was a busy night which kept me awake and engaged in something.
On the way home at 8am I again stopped to get bad food and text my Slimming World consultant to say I wouldn't be coming to weigh in, I just could not face it especially as I know I will have gained so much weight this week. Two steps forward two steps back I HATE PMDD!

Now I have finished another night shift and one more to go tonight and I am beyond exhausted, fed up, angry (at what I can't even tell you it feels like everything!), fuzzy headed and sore, Every part of my body hurts and I am so bloated.

I am due on tomorrow and I am having the internal debate with my womb, my partner and I have been trying for a baby for 3 years now with no success we are just about to initiate the fertility specialist route starting with initial blood test etc before our first hospital appointment so every time I'm due on I have these evil symptoms, I feel nauseous, my breasts are so painful and I'm exhausted, all pregnancy symptoms but it never is and part of me is glad I have come on because it means two weeks of feeling normal before it starts again, but another part of me is devastated as it means another month of not having our very much wanted child and another fortnight approaching that will make me feel miserable and ill and with no end in sight.

I swear if we ever do get pregnant I will be having another c-section (no doubt about that!) but I will be begging them to take everything out so I never have to experience this again!

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning to discuss my meds with a GP but more on that later I should be getting some sleep ahead of tonight's night shift, I'm freezing though so I might be putting another blanket on the bed and bed socks on!