During the two weeks before my period starts I begin to experience the symptoms that destroy my life, these can include
- Cramping pains like period pains
- Backache
- Tender breasts
- Nausea
- Fatigue
- Food cravings
- Increased appetite
- I am sensitive to sound and smells
- Headaches
- Inability to concentrate
- Bloating
- Loss of libido
- Weight gain
- Depressed mood
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Heightened anxiety
- Increased tension
- Mood swings
- Tearfulness
- Angry outbursts
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Confusion
- Not wanting to be touched or be physically close to others
All of these increase in intensity until the day my period begins when the symptoms will abruptly stop and I will feel completely well again all aches and pains disappear (except for one or two days of period pain), I can actually go down two dress sizes, I am full of energy and feel positive upbeat and happy. It is very much a Jekyll and Hyde thing.
The most debilitating symptoms for me is the depression, angry outbursts and lack of energy. As a mother I need to be there for my son but during my bad weeks I feel I am a vile human being, I shout at him and lose my temper so much quicker than I should and I am negative and feel completely worthless, I have no energy to do anything with him and he suffers as a result. I hate myself for doing it but it is not something I can control.
I am exceptionally lucky to have such a supportive partner, he understands when I feel like this and gives me the support I need he steps in when he can before I lose my temper he understands when I need time alone or I have an outburst at him for no reason. He is in a word fantastic and I love him for everything he has done.
I am also lucky to have the job I do I work nights in a care home, my employers have been fantastic particularly my supervisor who has listened to everything and offered me all the support I could every want, the good thing about my job is that I work alone, I support 8 service users who rarely wake up and I have plenty during the night to keep me busy and help me burn off frustration and annoyance through cleaning or ironing. In previous jobs I have struggled to cope with the physical symptoms in particular I tend to get ill, during my bad weeks and I tend to take it quite hard and be quite debilitated by it.
I track all my symptoms on a mood chart partly to keep a track of what does and doesn't work treatment wise but also to reassure myself when things are bad that it is not me behaving like this it is the PMDD and I am not the evil cow I believe myself to be and that it will all pass soon.
The reason for the title of my blog is that I am only out of control for half of my life, in some ways this is a blessing, when I believed I suffered from depression it felt like something that would never leave me this is something that only affects me for half of my life I only have to deal with it for 2 weeks a month, it is debilitating none the less but the fact that with any luck it will all disappear when the menopause starts or if I have a hysterectomy in the future!
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