Been a bit occupied recently

So period showed up 4 days late typically after we used a pregnancy test! Quite a horrific one this month as well very painful and heavy which wasn't pleasant sorry for the TMI but my mood has improved no end!
So this month I am determined things will be different I am using these two weeks of improved mood and cheerfulness to help me through the bad two weeks!
I am bulk cooking a load of healthy meals and food and getting healthy snacks in to ensure I don't go off plan with the diet but also I am doing more research!

My wonderful partner managed to get hold of a fantastic textbook about PMDD so I have it on loan for the next three weeks in that time I will read it cover to cover and make plenty of notes for you all fingers crossed, Just having a quick flick through it before bed it looks like it will be really useful!

So just a short post as the nights shifts are happening but fingers crossed that this mood lasts a few days longer this month :-)

Keep smiling ladies we will beat this!

Summary of the doctors appointment

Sorry for the blog silence as always it has been hectic!
Anyway I went to the doctors on Thursday morning and as I explained in my previous post it was a doctor I was not too fond of but actually it turned out OK.
She freely admitted as I walked in the room that she had no idea what PMDD was so I gave her a brief explanation of what it was and how it affected me. Anyway I talked through the various ways of treating it and we settled on me only taking the Prozac during the luteal phase of my cycle so basically when I'm suffering with the PMDD symptoms she also suggested that for the first week I take just 20mg but if I feel that in the second week I am struggling more with the symptoms I can double the dose up to 40mg a day and we're going to give that a few cycles to see how that works so of course I will keep you informed.

Anyway I was due on on Thursday and gradually the fog has been lifting to the point where today I felt like my old self again.
I went to do my CBT and I was dreading feeling tired, achy and having to concentrate on the instructor but I passed through and actually enjoyed it even more than I thought I would. It is a strange thing still going at 30 miles an hour felt like I was speeding but I gradually got more and more used to it and now I am gagging to get my scooter! I cannot wait to have that extra bit of freedom. I have to go and pick it up on Tuesday morning and already I've sorted meeting someone for coffee, I can always tell when I'm coming out of the gloom as I actually want to spend time with people!

Apart from feeling better the only issue I am having is getting back on track with the Slimming World plan I wish I had more willpower instead of constantly just going "Sod it we'll order a takeaway!" or "Yeah can you grab me some cookie dough ice cream babe" need to pull my finger out and get back on it and while I'm feeling good start bulk prepping meals and deserts to put in the freezer for my bad weeks! I'm determined I will do this this month!

Does anyone else struggle with weight loss or diets and PMDD? How do you cope?

I always welcome comments, questions and suggestions like I said I would love for this to become a support network

Gearing up for my second appointment

I'm off to the doctors again to hopefully sort a medication change.

I was very lucky with the first doctor I saw she was a lovely sympathetic female doctor who listened to what I had to say, took on board the little research I had done in the area and admitted that although she had not heard of the condition she would do her research into it and find out some more. She took on board what I had found out about treatment (again something I know a little more about now!) and prescribed Fluoxetine 20mg (Prozac) once a day.

Although this does seem to have taken the edge off a bit it's not taken it down to a level that I would be happy with and I've still got the physical symptoms which are getting me down especially the food cravings, weight gain and bloating.

So some recent research has thrown up this article to me
http://www.aafp.org/afp/2011/1015/p918.html

It is a wordy research article but it's well referenced and sums up treatment options well as their success rates in the small number of studies that have been done.

One treatment option that seemed to stand out to me was the idea of taking an SSRI (such as Prozac) once a day and then doubling the dose during the luteal phase (ie the two weeks before the period is due) so this is what I am going to ask to try if possible. It makes sense to me to do it this way due to the way SSRIs treat PMDD so hopefully the doctor will agree with me.

The only problem is the only appointment I could get is with the other female doctor in the surgery, as the previous doctor is fully booked and then on annual leave for a few weeks, and unfortunately I took my last Prozac yesterday so quite desperately need to get the prescription refilled, this doctor sent my other half and I for fertility tests (ie blood tests and sperm count) and because out results came back fine refused to refer us for further testing as we were still quite young (29!) and I had already had my son and that if we carried on trying for another year we might conceive (at this point we had been trying for 2 and a half year!) unlike my most recent doctor who referred me straight away to the gynaecology department at the hospital to get the tests done!

So understandably I am dreading being told "it's just PMS," or "I'm sure it's not that bad!"

Anyway I will update more on the appointment later. I'm still feeling rotten especially the bloating I hate going up two full dresses in a matter of days and the tiredness is really getting me down but I've done my last night shift until Saturday now so with two days rest I should be able to regroup and update the sections on this blog starting with treatment options!

Sorry I have been so negative and down I did not want this blog to turn into a poor me blog but I guess for two weeks out of four it will be! I will try and be as positive as possible!

Difficult days

Been having a hard couple of days to be honest, I'm due to start on Friday and I have honestly never looked forward to my period as much as I am right now I never thought I would say that!

We went out on Friday night to a Burlesque night and honestly the only way I could get through it without feeling like a fat ugly lump was by drinking quite a bit! We had a good night but I had that constant niggling voice at the back of my head telling me I looked a state.

Anyway the next day of course I woke up feeling like my head had an Irishman doing a jig in it, felt pretty rotten and seemed to spend the whole day snapping at everyone and feeling completely overwhelmed by noises and people around me, still managed to get around town and have lunch out with my family but felt completely incapable of going to the motorbike shop to order my new scooter.

Sunday we had food shopping to do again I was snappy and vile I had this constant rage bubbling underneath and found myself snapping about stupid things that normally don't matter to me normally. My son had his friend over to play luckily they went up to his room and kept each other amused for the afternoon so I was able to nap on the sofa while my partner kept an ear out for them. I woke after a 2 hour nap still feeling exhausted and was unable to concentrate on my knitting and crocheting that evening and instead of making the lovely healthy roast I was planning to make we ended up ordering Pizza Hut not good!

Monday saw me up early to do the school run which I snapped and moaned my way through it felt like my dear son was doing everything he possibly could to drive me barmy! After dropping him off I went straight to the supermarket brought a shed load of completely unhealthy things to eat for breakfast same home stuffed myself silly and then fell asleep on the sofa for 4 hours.

Again I woke feeling like I hadn't slept in months but with a lot of persuasion from my partner I got dressed and went with him to pick my son up from school and even managed to hold a conversation with his teacher without too much trouble, we then went to the bike shop I should have been so excited, this scooter is a way for me to become more independent and to give me more time during the week as well as being able to get to and from my nights shifts easily but all I could feel was dread, worrying my credit would be turned down or some other trivial thing would stop it going through, all completely irrational fears which actually didn't happen. The scooter will be ready next Tuesday, and I'm doing my CBT on Saturday but still I felt miserable.

I had work that night and went off to my shift but felt completely at sea, exhausted, and unable to concentrate, luckily though it was a busy night which kept me awake and engaged in something.
On the way home at 8am I again stopped to get bad food and text my Slimming World consultant to say I wouldn't be coming to weigh in, I just could not face it especially as I know I will have gained so much weight this week. Two steps forward two steps back I HATE PMDD!

Now I have finished another night shift and one more to go tonight and I am beyond exhausted, fed up, angry (at what I can't even tell you it feels like everything!), fuzzy headed and sore, Every part of my body hurts and I am so bloated.

I am due on tomorrow and I am having the internal debate with my womb, my partner and I have been trying for a baby for 3 years now with no success we are just about to initiate the fertility specialist route starting with initial blood test etc before our first hospital appointment so every time I'm due on I have these evil symptoms, I feel nauseous, my breasts are so painful and I'm exhausted, all pregnancy symptoms but it never is and part of me is glad I have come on because it means two weeks of feeling normal before it starts again, but another part of me is devastated as it means another month of not having our very much wanted child and another fortnight approaching that will make me feel miserable and ill and with no end in sight.

I swear if we ever do get pregnant I will be having another c-section (no doubt about that!) but I will be begging them to take everything out so I never have to experience this again!

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning to discuss my meds with a GP but more on that later I should be getting some sleep ahead of tonight's night shift, I'm freezing though so I might be putting another blanket on the bed and bed socks on!

The Symptoms I Experience

Well I will cover what PMDD is and the symptoms in another page on this blog but I wanted to share what my experience with PMDD is.
During the two weeks before my period starts I begin to experience the symptoms that destroy my life, these can include

• Cramping pains like period pains 
• Backache
• Tender breasts
• Nausea
• Fatigue
• Food cravings
• Increased appetite
• I am sensitive to sound and smells
• Headaches
• Inability to concentrate
• Bloating
• Loss of libido
• Weight gain
• Depressed mood
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Heightened anxiety
• Increased tension
• Mood swings
• Tearfulness
• Angry outbursts
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Confusion
• Not wanting to be touched or be physically close to others

All of these increase in intensity until the day my period begins when the symptoms will abruptly stop and I will feel completely well again all aches and pains disappear (except for one or two days of period pain), I can actually go down two dress sizes, I am full of energy and feel positive upbeat and happy. It is very much a Jekyll and Hyde thing.

The most debilitating symptoms for me is the depression, angry outbursts and lack of energy. As a mother I need to be there for my son but during my bad weeks I feel I am a vile human being, I shout at him and lose my temper so much quicker than I should and I am negative and feel completely worthless, I have no energy to do anything with him and he suffers as a result. I hate myself for doing it but it is not something I can control. 

I am exceptionally lucky to have such a supportive partner, he understands when I feel like this and gives me the support I need he steps in when he can before I lose my temper he understands when I need time alone or I have an outburst at him for no reason. He is in a word fantastic and I love him for everything he has done. 

I am also lucky to have the job I do I work nights in a care home, my employers have been fantastic particularly my supervisor who has listened to everything and offered me all the support I could every want, the good thing about my job is that I work alone, I support 8 service users who rarely wake up and I have plenty during the night to keep me busy and help me burn off frustration and annoyance through cleaning or ironing. In previous jobs I have struggled to cope with the physical symptoms in particular I tend to get ill, during my bad weeks and I tend to take it quite hard and be quite debilitated by it. 

I track all my symptoms on a mood chart partly to keep a track of what does and doesn't work treatment wise but also to reassure myself when things are bad that it is not me behaving like this it is the PMDD and I am not the evil cow I believe myself to be and that it will all pass soon.

The reason for the title of my blog is that I am only out of control for half of my life, in some ways this is a blessing, when I believed I suffered from depression it felt like something that would never leave me this is something that only affects me for half of my life I only have to deal with it for 2 weeks a month, it is debilitating none the less but the fact that with any luck it will all disappear when the menopause starts or if I have a hysterectomy in the future!

Beginnings

Hi all

So a bit of background about me first of all

I am a 29 year old woman living in England, and two months ago I was diagnosed with PMDD.

PMDD or Premenstral Dysphoric Disorder, is something I will more thoroughly explain in a later post but a very basic description is that it is similar to PMS except the symptoms are more exaggerated and interfere with the woman's daily life as well as this the woman will experience a severe depression and at times suicidal thoughts.

I think that I have suffered with this condition for around 10 years, but previously I had been diagnosed with depression and bi-polar depression. The only time I really had any relief was when I was pregnant with my son who is now 6 years old, after he was born I suffered with post-natal depression and my symptoms have gradually got worse and worse over the past six years until I reached a point of realizing it couldn't go on and that I was actually damaging my relationship with not only my friends but also my family in particular my gorgeous son,

Talking it through with my partner we realized that my moods and depression always occurred in the two weeks before my period and I described it to him as a type of extreme PMS when I typed this into Google PMDD came up and once I read the symptoms it all dropped into place and I realized then that this was what I was suffering from.

I then spoke to a lovely friend in work and she revealed that she too had been suffering from this as well, I then realized there was very little information on this condition and it was also a relatively new condition and not a lot of research had been carried out in it at present.

I have a degree in Psychology and have always had an interest in research in particular depressive disorders, my plan has always been to go back to University and do my Masters in Research Methods followed by my PhD so now I have found a topic that I can research fully and that is relatively new, just carrying out some partial research I have found there is not alot of information out there for women, nor are many doctors informed of this condition in fact my own doctor knew nothing of this condition.

I would love to provide more information for sufferers as well as medical professionals (that might be a way off!) and find a way to collect more information for myself and support others. 

There are only a handful of blogs out there already and I hope to take away the taboo of this condition and empower more women to talk about their experience with it and not feel ashamed of their condition.

I welcome all and everyone to tell me about their experience and of any information they know about.

I do not proclaim to know everything (far from it!) but I want to understand and I want to inform and support others.

I am not a medical professional and nor can I provide any diagnosis all I can provide is information i have found out if you believe that you have this condition you should visit your GP and obtain a diagnosis and treatment from them.